jueves, 26 de enero de 2012

¡Muchísimas Gracias, Grand Old Party!

Es injusto quejarse de esa extraña colección de lunáticos, ignorantes, mentirosos, infieles, zopencos y fanáticos religiosos que desde el año pasado compiten por la nominación presidencial del Partido Republicano, y en la que hasta Peña Nieto podría comparar bien por culto e informado, por no hablar de sus recientemente destapadas infidelidades matrimoniales. La verdad es que estos pelmazos han sido las delicias de satiristas, caricaturistas y comicos de los shows nocturnos. Esta campaña presidencial gringa pasará a la historia como la más prolífica en buenos e ingeniosos chistes y cartones. Very inspiring! El Oso Bruno presenta una selección de las mejores sátiras dichas hasta el día de hoy (en el ingés original para que no pierdan su savoir faire):

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America." –David Letterman

Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'" –David Letterman
"In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers." –Jimmy Kimmel

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

“Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"First Mitt won Iowa, then he lost Iowa? That's a classic Romney flip-flop." –Stephen Colbert

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno

"You saw the big controversy with Michele Bachmann. She did not look directly into the camera, which made it harder for the teabaggers to masturbate." –Bill Maher "She didn't look into the camera. She said Ameican was created by a miracle, and secret armies of IRS agents are trying to take awa your light bubls. And then Sarah Palin tweeted, 'Game on, bitch." –Bill Maher

"Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off." –David Letterman

"In a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the race." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda." –David Letterman

"Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain has moved ahead of Mitt Romney. Can you believe that? Political analysts say this is because Americans don't understand Mormonism but they do understand pizza." –Conan O'Brien

"Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of 'less government, more toppings' has been well received." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian." -- Stephen Colbert

"A new poll released today by Fox News has former godfather's pizza CEO Herman Cain leading the Republican candidates for president. And he's the funniest candidate by about 40 points." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it's a great idea because if there's one thing you don't see in China, it's Mexicans." –Conan O'Brien

‎"Almost all of Rick Perry's support appears to have gone to Herman Cain because, again, and I cannot stress this enough, nobody likes Mitt Romney." –Jon Stewart

"Herman Cain answered the Wall Street protesters, and he had a message for these protesters. He said, 'If you don't have a job, if you're not rich, don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the banks, blame yourself.' And a nation of out of work teabaggers said, 'Yeah! Hey, wait a minute.'" –Bill Maher

"Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse." –Stephen Colbert

"Herman Cain said that as president, he will bring Republicans and Democrats together. He was the guy that brought pineapple and ham together on a pizza, so it wouldn't be surprising." –Jimmy Kimmel

Today Rick Perry introduced a new plan to overhaul all three branches of government. Just as soon as he comes up with a plan to remember all three branches of government." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part." -Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance..." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

"Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden." –Jay Leno

"Rick Perry was philosophical about (his election losses). He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states." –Jay Leno

"Today is 11/11/11, a date so simple even Rick Perry can remember it." -Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow is 11-11-11! Or as Rick Perry calls it: “11-11-Wait don't tell me, I will get this. I know there is a third one." -Conan O'Brien

"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry? It only takes Lindsay four and a half hours to finish a sentence." -Jay Leno

"I think there's one more thing Perry can forget, too: Being president." -Jay Leno

"I'm worried about Rick Perry. For one, I'm worried that maybe he's too conservative. Two, I worry a little bit about his debating skills. And three, I — Oh, what was three?" -David Letterman

"Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney." -Craig Ferguson

"I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember." -Craig Ferguson

"Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor." -Jimmy Fallon

"Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won’t even remember them." -Jimmy Fallon

"People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida." –Conan O'Brien

"This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert

‎"Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote." -- Stephen Colbert

"Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics." –Jimmy Kimmel

"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America: "You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America."

"Texas Governor Rick Perry now says his wife has been encouraging him to run for President. Remember first he told us God told him to run; now his wife is telling him to run. Of course, the big difference; if you ignore what God says you don't have to hear about it until the afterlife. That's the only difference." –Jay Leno

"Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

"In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''" –Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Rick Perry of Texas shot a coyote while he was jogging. Who carries a gun while jogging? I can barely manage my iPod. I like the idea of runners carrying guns. Think of how interesting the Boston Marathon will be." –Jimmy Kimmel

"New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee." -Bill Maher

"Rick Perry dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what went wrong, Perry said, I guess America is not ready to elect a dumb guy from Texas. But in time." –Conan O'Brien

 "Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he's arguing with three people at once, it's his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress." –Jay Leno

 "Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals." –David Letterman

 Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race for president to return to his former job as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame." –Jimmy Kimmel

 "Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Bill Maher

2 comentarios:

Tabatha dijo...

Sinceramente, como puedes dedicarle tanto tiempo a tipejos que están moralmente en la bancarrota ( it sounds better in english). Por que no le dedicas un poco de tu tiempo a RON PAUL? Te vas a sorprender de la consistencia de sus argumentos, de la cantidad de seguidores que tiene y de como la libertad de expresión es cosa del pasado.  Nada mas date cuenta como le han bloqueado los medios de comunicacion. Nadie se entera de que existe, y creo que en los ultimos anos, es el unico politico que verdaderamente vale la pena dedicarle un poco de ejercicio mental. Con la creacion de los Super PACs, la democracia es algo que solo se puede encontrar en los libros de ciencia ficcion. Pero en medio de toda esta podredumbre, Ron Paul es una (diminuta) bocanada de aire
Hay te lo dejo de tarea.

PD. Me debes un libro....

Pedro Arturo Aguirre dijo...

Gracias Tabatha por tu comentario. Ron Paul es un farsante. ¿Cómo puede llamarse "libertario" alguien que no respeta la libertad de las mujeres a decidir sobre su cuerpo, que se opone al libre comercio y no respeta la libertad de los gays a casarse? Ser libertario no es únicamente sacar al Estado de las actividades económicos, sino también de los dormitorios de la gente. Paul y su hijo son los típicos hipócritas que mal usan el sagrado nombre del libertarismo para retirar al Estado incluso de cumplir con obligaciones sociales esenciales para meterlo en mi dormitario. ¡Al diablo con esos falsarios! Ya mero te llega tu libro, por mientras te recomiendo que leas este artículo http://www.pri.org/stories/politics-society/some-libertarians-worry-ron-paul-giving-the-wrong-impression-of-their-ideas-7787.html
sobre el tal sr Paul.

Muchos Saludos.